June 2013

wow! Tak sangka saya berjaya mengharungi hampir sparuh tahun 2013. a few months back, i was wondering how i'm going to face this year. everything was not right from the first hour, first minute and first second of the year. i fight alone for something i really want and i failed. and then i found something else to work on and to concentrate on. now, i know i'm failing but i guess i'm not giving up yet. And surprisingly, something new came up, which requires me to fight alone as well. Something new keeps on coming at least, every week.

all the decisions that i made was not right from the beginning. even the good news gives a bad impact. since i'm scared,  i decided to not make any long term decision yet. to not involve or commit. well, now i'm not sure whether thats a good decision or not.

I need more positive energy than ever. I'm using up all my patience and all my strength that now i'm afraid that i might end up used all of them and nothin left anymore, i need someone that would give me the right word for my wrongs. Not laugh n telling around bout it. I need more positive words, not sarcastic word, more happy moments, not fake moments. All in all, i need my friends.

after all those thing,i'm glad and thankful that i'm still smiling and living my life, finding positive thing around me and being happy for others. I don't know if this is only a process of growing up, making someone mature or strong, or just a trial before starting to face the real cruel world. Whatever it is, i'm just hoping for things to get better in time.

Hello second half of the year, lets rock n roll!

nothing to do

i was sitting on my table doing nothing this morning. thats super surprising. people are busy with their 'permanent staff' thing and i was doing nothing. nothing at all. staring at my inbox. hoping for someone to send any ridiculous e-mail and driving me crazy.

NONE.

so, saya tinggal 44 hari lgi keje kat company ni. lps tu contract sy akan habis. saya x rsa mereka akan renew contract or offer sy keje kt syarikat tu. klu diorng offer pon saya xnk. keje sana mcm x sesuai dgn saya. so sy kene menganggur blk skrng ni pon dh mulakan job hunt.

i miss my friends all the time. since 2008, my life is all about my friends. Alhamdulillah, saya selalu dpt kawan yg elok2, yg x mess up dgn hidup sy, yang x gado2 and yg x byk bermasalah. never had a rough relationship with any of them. ntah mana silapnya, kebetulan kawan sy sume yg ddk jauh2. dh hbs blaja sume dh blk kampung halaman masing2. cari rezeki di sana. yang tinggal kt KL pon, punyalah payah nk jumpa. klu plan nk jumpa pon masa tulah byk sgt halangan. balik kampung or akan ada pape kenduri yg kene attend. skrng, klu tgk fb orng lain post gamba mereka beramai2, mesti rsa mcm... "untunglaa". mungkin sy patut smbng blaja. tapi bkn di UM. di universiti yg jauh sikit. ddk kt hostel. cari kawan baru plak.

kadang2 sy x fhm kenapa ada laki yg akn kata diorng kehilangan kebebasan, ketenangan n mcm2 lgi lps kawen. u have no idea what a woman lose once she get married to you idiots!

dan saya xnk kawen lagi....

value of your words?

have anyone ever wondered what the value of your words? or how important and interesting is your word.

saya dah mula fikir pasal perkara ni masa umur saya belasan tahun. dan masa tulah saya kurangkan bercakap nonsense.because i want to add value to my words. saya mula terfikir pasal perkara ni sebab beberapa tahun dahulu, saya selalu nampak ada sorng ni yg akn berkata2 dan xd sapepon yg dengar. they will hear but not listen. nodding their head. dan saya tahu orng yg bercakap tu pon perasan. tapi kenapa dia x berhenti bercakap? dia x malu ke? walaupon dia dh sangat tua and dia anggap diri dia sebagai orng yg berpengalaman, but still, knp x berhenti bercakap bila orang x dengar? thats soo pathetic!!!

saya ada seorang kawan ni yang dispoil oleh teknologi. dia mula kurangkan mendengar bila dia mula bli telefon canggih. dia akn berpura2 dengar padahal segala perhatian dia tertumpu pada screen handphone. saya agak terkejut sbb dia sampai x sedar yg saya tengah ceritakan benda yg saya dh pernah cerita and dia x perasan saya berhenti cerita tengah jalan. sejak hari itulah saya mula kurangkan bercakap dengan dia. no point. dia pernah tegur saya dh x sembang dgn dia mcm dulu. well, you asked for it! see, i guess i added value to my words.

kalau nak add value tak semestinya kene kurangkan bercakap. ada sesetengah orang yg banyak berkata2 and dia akn tinggikan suara bila dia bercakap, lebih2 lagi masa orang lain pon tgh bercakap supaya orang dengar suara dia on the top of others voice. tapi yang peliknya, suara dia tinggi mcm mana pon, orng akn dengar kata2 dari orang yg bersuara lebih rendah. thats the value of the words.

ada sesetengah orang yg mmg x reti nk tutup mulut tapi ada je orang leka dengar cakap dia, senyum and tergelak. walaupon suara x tinggi mana, walaupon benda yg disampaikan hanya crap, tapi ada je orang yg dengar, thats the value of the words. saya masukkan kawan saya, wen, ke dalam kategori ni. sy suka dengar dia membebel sbb kata2 dia menunjukkan cara otak dia bekerja and sy suka cara otak dia meng interprete sesetengah benda walaupon x logik and merepek.

you never need a good listener to judge the value of your words. you just need to notice if people listen to your words.

One fine evening....

It was an evening that i spend time with myself. It was raining heavily and I forgot my umbrella. So i decided to go to one of my fav food court. Eating pepper express and drinking my fav, mocha latte hazelnut. Looking outside the window. oh my god! look at the ugliness of the city center. Construction all over the place, tall buildings and no greenery at all. There is a lift right in front of my eyes, traveling back and forth, loaded with construction workers. Crowd of working people standing by the road, waiting for the bus. Some hoping for a vacant taxi, which is almost impossible at that hour. and the road, jammed terribly of course. I never questioned why i do not own a car. because deep in my heart, i know it's for my own sake. God knows the best for me

Here i am, alone, sitting by the window, leaving a whole chaotic world behind my back, traveling to my own world of thoughts. how it feels to own a glass chamber, where you can lay down all day and night, feel the heat of the sun, looking at the star or staring at the plain sky. or looking at the raindrops which falls from the sky.

I leave the place with heart full of smiles. As now i found a reason to love my life all over again.

A day to remember...


*Surprisingly found this note at my old journal. i still remember the day and every detail of it. I shall go back one day and do the same.

day celebration

today is mothers day. at least, thats what people around me are telling. what does this day means?
 to me, it's just another day. nothing special. and for this year, it's been a super boring long day.

zaman skrng ada je fatwa2 dan pesanan ulama suruh jgn menyambut mothers day, fathers day, valentines day and pape day lagi sbb asal usul perayaan tu yg menyimpang dgn ajaran agama. tapi bagi saya, itu semua hanyalah marketing strategy yg sgt brilliant. tujuannya semestinya untuk melariskan penjualan benda seperti bunga, kad, and so on. prnh skali sy dgr kat interview jackie chan yg ada satu hari ni tiba2 anak jackie chan call dia n wish happy fathers day kot. masa tu jackie chan kat shooting spot. dia terus marah anak dia n letak telefon. dia kata klu nk hargai someone hargai mereka setiap hari. bukan skali stahun.

and ada lagi satu occasion yg kadang2 saya rsa ramai yg overdoing it. thats their birthday. lebih2 lagi perempuan. slalunya masa birthday diorng, diorng akn expect orng layan mereka dgn baik and just berlaku benda2 yg baik and elok je pada diorng. and whats the rasional behind this thoughts? ridiculous!!!

ada sesetengah orng expect diri mereka di celebrate. expect birthday mereka diraikan oleh semua orng. bagi saya, kenapa mereka rasa mereka layak diraikan? apa yg telah mereka buat? dan kenapa mereka yg kene diraikan sebaliknya bukan orang tu meraikan parents dia kerana melahirkan mereka ke dunia ni and give a good life? ada jugak yg suka raikan birthday orng lain dgn harapan masa birthday dia, orng akn balas budi and raikan diri dia. klu just sekadar utk balas budi, then itu bukan smthng yg ikhlas lahir dari lubuk hati kan?

and ada lagi satu amalan rakyat di dunia ni. iaitu buat party and invite orang. bagi saya ia seperti kita panggil orng and suruh mereka appreciate someone yg kita appreciate. padahal maybe orng yg dijemput x suka kita langsung. perlu ke nk dptknan ucapan palsu yg tidak ikhlas?

bagi saya, birthday tu boleh disambut utk baby and kanak2 sebab mereka tu insan and roh yg bersih dan suci. and maybe raikan orng tua. nmpk sweet. even nk raikan orng tua pon just panggil mereka yg masih appreciate kehadiran orng tua tu. bkn mereka yg tunggu untuk orng tua tu meninggal dunia. bukan sebab pangkat, harta, kekayaan, status and sebagainya yg orng tua tu ada.

ada jugak mereka2 yg kesian, on birthday notification kan fb, tunggu orng wish pukul 12, reply segala birthday wish mak nenek kat wall and then the next day mereka post "thanks for wishes, remembering my birthday, your wishes made my day" and ada jugak yg akan post jumlah birthday wish yg dia dapat melalui fb. sy mmg sgt kesiankan orng yg mcm tu. klu bkn sbb fb, ada orng yg akn igt birthday mereka ke? and ada lagi 1 jenis orng yg suka relate sume dgn birthday dia. klu benda yg baik berlaku, diorng akn kata gembira sbb lbh2 lagi berlaku pada birthday mereka. ada yg akn kata sedih sbb benda buruk mcm ni berlaku pada birthday dia. wake up! beribu lagi orng kt dunia ni yg sama birthday dgn seseorang, oh please!!!

so, whats my way of celebrating birthday? first of all, deactivate fb. walaupon sy dh hide birthday saya daripada orng lain kt fb, but still, sy xnk ada orng yg ikut wish bila mereka nmpk ada orng lain post birthday wish kat wall saya kat news feed mereka. it's only my birthday, not the world's most important day. and the second thing, off nfon and tido sbelum pukul 12. sy tak expect birthday wish dari semua orng yg kenal saya and saya bukan jns yg akn kira brape ramai and sape2 yg wish birthday saya. i just expect those that i love and those who loves me to wish me. and for sure sy expect wishes from my parents and my siblings. and saya x suka birthday party, bagi saya tak rasional. sy suka just kluar hang out dengn mereka yg rasa sy penting bagi mereka. sy just nk spend time dengan mereka yg appreciate sy. mereka tu adalah mostly my friends, the source of my strength and my happiness. and not only for me, saya nak mereka pon have a good time. sometimes, it's about making others smile and happy. it just simply shows how worth you are...

whats ur plan?

slalunya apa semua orng buat klu kluar nk jumpa kawan or dating? mesti plan awal2 mula2 nk buat ni pas2 pgi sana nk buat tu n then lps buat tu balik. kadang2 buat plan bagai nak rak tpi bila semuanya berjalan dgn lancar, kita mula rasa boring. sbb realitinya tak seseronok yg dijangka. ada sesetengah yg suka x plan pape. just kluar pas2 terjah je mana2 n buat je pape. sy paling suka buat keje terjah ni. kadang2 best. tapi kadang2 boring. buat sume x kena. last2 balik je.

i have a friend, yg dulu kami akn berjumpa hampir setiap malam dekat2 waktu dinner n tak buat pape. kadang2 just teman di makan. kadang2 sembang benda2 dlm fikiran, or benda yg terlintas dlm otak lps tgk pape yg berlalu or berlaku dpn mata on the spot. mcm tulah sy menilai cara unik otak orang lain berfungsi. by listening. otak setiap orang ni lain2 cara berfungsi dia. kadang2 buat kita terkejut sbb benda2 mcm tu x prnh terlitas di fikiran.

kadang2 kami just berjalan tanpa bersuara. ddk kt mana2 tgk kiri kanan. and the weird thing is, saya x rasa boring

kadang2 bila sy kluar, sy nmpk akn ada 1 pasangan yg nmpk pelik. mereka x bersembang bergelak manja2 buat bnda2 berdosa dpn semua orng macam manusia tak sedar diri yang lain.. mereka just ddk bersama tpi buat keje masing2 main laptop or bc buku or tgh buat pape. sekali pandang nmpk mcm pasangan x bahagia. nmpk mcm orng yg bru habis gado. tpi kadang2 mereka akn saling pandang and bersenyum dan sambung buat benda yg mereka buat tadi. dan mereka takkan boring. and i think that is SWEET

sometimes, all we need is doing nothing but appreciate each others presence in silence.

zaman sekarang ni, berapa orng sgtlah yg berjumpa untuk menghargai kehadiran masing2.sume sibuk nk buat aktiviti. kononnya tak nak boring. paling2 pon tawaf shopping mall berkali2 tgk kiri kanan and window shopping. bukannya pusing shopping mall sekadar nk merasai perasaan ditemani.

maybe what i'm saying doesn't make sense to some people. they might think i'm writing crap as usual. but i have experienced how it feels when only your presence is appreciated, not the shopping mall or the surroundings. and it's been too long since i feel the same. maybe thats because of my 'friendship life' which is dying. or because of the truth that i try to hide from my self....